The past year has been full of surprise, frustration, learning, patience, more frustration, confusion, more learning, acceptance, joy, sadness and love -- lots and lots of love. My view of being a "glass half-full" person has been challenged, and I have been challenged by what it means to fight. I have fought many things in my life -- the "system", my weight, depression, and more. I gained a job I loved, better health, a happier life, wonderful friends, and the respect of many people I care about. It really is not in my nature to "roll over" or give up. What does that mean for me now?
To be given a diagnosis of a disease or condition with no known cure is the most frustrating thing I have faced. How do I fight? Can I fight? Should I fight? Do I give in? I have read a lot (no surprise to those that know me well), I have prayed a lot, I have had thousands of hours to mull it over. I have met with an army of doctors, talked to friends and family, and read even more. I have no real answer. I do, however, have a perspective.
I have accepted I have ALS -- don't like it, but accept it. I know and accept that there is no known cure, and that my symptoms will continue to progress -- it is a fatal disease. I have chosen to enjoy each day to the best of my ability. As I told my father this weekend, if I am miserable, everyone around me will be, also. It is much more enjoyable for everyone if I am happy and thankful -- including me! However, I am bound and determined to be as independent as I can be, for as long as I can be -- this is my first bastion of fighting. I am also willing to consider possible trial treatments, depending on timing, etc. Acceptance does not mean surrender. Acceptance in this case means to recognize and acknowledge the situation.
I do not intend to fly off half-cocked into voodoo doctor treatments, or chase rainbows -- but I do intend to make sure I am giving myself every opportunity to maintain my independence (as it is) or improve it, if it is within my power. Giving in is not the example I have ever set for my children or students -- why would I start now?
So, the fork in the road? Surrender or fight? I am accepting the challenge, not the surrender. And I have an army of friends and family behind me, I know. Onward!
